Fated to Pretend
by The Fallen Sky
Summary: Fate and destiny don't always equate to happily ever after.


Title: Fated to Pretend  
Author: The Fallen Sky  
Rating: K  
Pairing(s): Clois, Chlark  
Summary: Fate and destiny don't always equate to happily ever after.  
Warning: none  
A/N: This is a one-shot set after the series and is told from Lois' POV.

Feedback is welcome. Enjoy!

* * *

He doesn't love me.

I can see it in his eyes, the lack of light when he looks at me, the way his gaze is slightly out of focus, like he's trying not to see me or is picturing someone else.

I can feel it in his touch, the tentativeness of his hands on my body, the ever-present tension in his body whenever I touch him, like my touch is unwelcome or repulsive.

I can feel it in his kiss, the lack of desire, even at the height of passion, the way he always breaks the kiss first, like he can't wait for it to be over.

I can hear it in his voice, the endearments that always sound a bit forced, the way he hesitates ever-so-slightly when he says he loves me, like he's telling a lie and is trying to make it sound convincing.

It wasn't always this way. In the beginning, when we first started dating, I could tell that he had feelings for me. I don't think it was love at first, but it became love somewhere along the way.

He was always doing something sweet and endearing, things I know he hated, like singing karaoke with me, or taking me to monster truck shows or just taking me to a bar for a beer. He even planned little romantic getaways in his efforts to woo me.

Through it all, I could tell he was happy, that he truly wanted me.

Well, he got me.

* * *

Things were great, for a while.

I think the first sign that something was wrong was after our wedding that wasn't. Sure, I was upset that our wedding was ruined, but I understood. I understood that being with him meant things going horribly wrong on occasion, that I and my needs might take a backseat as he saved others and the world. But, I had expected him to want to reschedule the wedding as soon as possible. Instead, he never really talked about it. I brought it up on a few occasions, but he always brushed it off, saying there was no rush. That should've been a huge red flag, because he was totally on board with the quick wedding the first time around. I didn't push the issue, because I had no doubt we'd get married eventually.

It's been seven years since our almost-wedding. We still aren't married, and we haven't talked about it for a long time.

The second sign that something was wrong was when Chloe announced that she was pregnant. I was positively ecstatic, but Clark's reaction was a bit more subdued than I would've expected. Yes, he was happy for her and Oliver, but there was also a kind of sadness in his eyes and in his demeanor. He hid it well, but I couldn't help but notice it. At first, I just thought he was thinking about the future, how he might not be able to have children. He's always wanted children, a family of his own, and it's understandable that he'd feel a sense of sadness and uncertainty about the possibility that it may never happen, and Chloe's pregnancy only reinforced that.

It didn't take long for the sadness to turn into longing. He never said anything, but I could see it in his eyes every time he looked at Chloe or whenever anyone talked about her. We'd never discussed having kids, but I knew he wanted them. Personally, I wasn't keen on the idea, because I could never see myself as a mother. Still, I wanted him to be happy, so I decided that if having children would make him happy, then we'd have children. I didn't tell him, but I stopped using birth control. I hoped getting pregnant would help mend our relationship, which had begun to suffer because he wouldn't open up to me about what was bothering him, but month after month found me without child. I still had hope, though, but that hope faded as the months turned into years and our relationship turned distant and frosty.

I should've known things were really bad when Chloe and Oliver got divorced. He began spending a lot of time with her, which was fine, because they've been friends forever, and he was just being supportive. I kept telling myself that that's all it was, one friend comforting another in a time of need, but, deep down, I knew there was more to it.

I could see it in his eyes, the light shining in them whenever he looked at her, the way his gaze would linger, like he was looking at the most beautiful woman in the world, the way he used to look at me.

I could see it in his touch, the tenderness and familiarity of his hands, the way he'd hold her as they hugged, like she was a precious lifeline that he never wanted to let go, the way he used to hug me.

I could hear it in his voice, the sincerity and heartfelt emotion, the way he wouldn't hesitate or fail to tell her he loved her every time they said goodbye, like he needed her to know how deeply he cared for her, the way he used to care for me.

They've been spending more and more time together. They're practically joined at the hip, just like they used to be when they were younger, before I entered the picture. They're always finishing each other's sentences, as if they share one mind. They're always laughing and smiling and touching. It's all very innocent, never crossing a line, but what used to be one-sided is now mutual. Her eyes light up at the mere mention of his name, and her smile is one of a woman in love.

I've tried voicing my concerns to both of them, but they insist that nothing's going on between them, that I'm just being paranoid.

I used to think that was true, but I know it's not. They may not have done anything untoward like kiss or have sex, but there's more than friendship between them.

In my heart, I know it's just a matter of time before he works up the courage to leave me for her.

He once told me that he and I were fated to be together, that it was destiny. I never really believed in fate or destiny before, but he certainly convinced me. I guess that's why I didn't fight harder for us when things started to go south. Fate said we were supposed to be together, so we would be together, no matter what.

He also told me that people have said that he has the ability to change fate, which is why he's able to save so many people where others fail. He doesn't like to think about it that way, because he doesn't like the implications and possible pitfalls, but I think it's true. That being the case, who's to say that he isn't changing fate now, our fate?

It's sad, but I've come to realize that, while fate may have brought us together, no one ever said that fate would keep us together.

I know it's only a matter of time before it's officially over between us. In fact, in all the ways that count, it's already over. But I just can't seem to let him...to let _us_ go.

So, I go on pretending everything is fine, that he's madly in love with me, that we'll get married some day and have a family, grow old and die together.

I pretend that he isn't in love with my cousin, and she isn't in love with him.

I pretend that I haven't lost him.

But in the deepest recesses of my heart and soul, I know...

He doesn't love me.

He loves her.


End file.
